I’ve gotten to that age, where everyone around me is in a (seemingly) happy relationship. I have spent the whole day re-watching earlier seasons on Hell’s Kitchen. Priorities.
Don’t get me wrong, I would like to be in a relationship. Sure, who doesn’t want that validation that their lovable? And normally, I’m okay with being single: I do what I want, I go where I please and when I cook, there’s more food for me.
But every now and again, theres this feeling that creeps in. One of loneliness and worry. Am I unloveable? Usually I just prefer not to open that door and find something productive to do – to get my mind off that. However, this is not one of those times – hence the 2 am post on a Friday night.
My friend just got engaged. Yes, I’m happy, why wouldn’t I be? They are a loving couple and I’ve known them since the beginning. Besides, it’s not about me, it’s about them. Only, this is the 3rd engagement this year from my friends.
My first friend, was engaged this Summer. She knew it was happening and when it did, I was happy for her. Then a month later, another friend got engaged. She’s an awesome person, I’m definitely happy for her. Now this friend. Again, still happy, just…hmmm…what about me?!?!
Now granted, I don’t want to be engaged. I don’t know if I ever want to get married. But I want to be on the path heading somewhere along those lines. Hell, I’ll settle for a callback for a second date. I digress.
The fall season, the holidays…all times where people are snuggled up with their significant other doesn’t help either. I’ll resign to the fact that at least I know what a Beef Wellington is and there’s always alcohol this time of year – readily available.
We live in a generation that idealizes love but we don’t know how to get it. Sure, we have Tinder, OK Cupid and a plethora of other online dating sites. We have Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, etc. And of course, the age old meet cute, Starbucks, supermarkets, bar, and the list goes on and on. But how do we achieve one of those relationship things the internet, our friends, society tells us about?
All over the internet, they are thousands, if not more, of articles telling how us how to get the guy/girl of our dreams. What men/women hate, how to be in a fulfilling relationships. There are Youtube advice videos, vlogs, ad nauseam. But there aren’t many on how to maintain and grow in relationships.
Sure you get the “how to keep the spark alive” and “how not to be boring with your spouse” but they talk about things that are superficial and well, a repetitive. Be honest, listen, communicate, don’t lie, be spontaneous, keeping things “spicy”. But how do these techniques really work out in the long run?
If I am “spicy”? Will that help me and my spouse have a conversation about shared finances?
If I am honest, how can that prepare me when meeting my partner’s parents for the first time?
These tools primarily focus on how to get a relationship and make it last until we both think “eh, I’m comfortable where I am.” It isn’t the necessary tools needed for let’s say, a life partner.
There should be more articles on having a conversation about marriages, whether or not children play a role, relocating, moving in, meeting the parents, career and relationships and the list goes on. In a long term relationship, many topics will arise with many conversations to be had. How can we master them to a successful relationship?
You got the relationship you’ve always wanted. Now what?
As of recent, I’ve been getting this question a lot. As mentioned before, I got out of a 8 year relationship about 2 years ago. I should’ve moved on – and in some ways I did: I focused on my career, my friends, my family, my cats. I didn’t feel ready to date – I needed time to digest what happened.
Now I know I have no excuse for this: I initiated the break up and told everyone who asked, I was okay. But some days I struggled and some days I feel fine. I wanted to be completely sure I was over it before even thinking about dating.
My friends have been amazing: supportive, kind, funny, caring, etc. I can’t complain. but I feel that anything you go through, only you know how you feel. Often times I felt like their intentions were good, but I preferred to be left alone.
After a while, I was back to being myself. Better even. I gain new appreciation as to who I was, my strengths, my weaknesses and concentrated on positivity.
But ever so often, I get the dreaded question: why are you single? And I’m baffled. I get thrown off. I’m a bumbling rambling idiot. “Uh, I…um..I don’t know”. Maybe I’m not thinking clearly: if I knew why I was single, wouldn’t I work towards coupledom? I don’t know why I’m not in a relationship. Ask them.
I know they have good intent and they usually couple it with, “you’re an amazing guy”. I know that too.
In the beginning, my response was “I just got out of a relationship.” Perfect. They nodded in understanding and we went back to our mindless conversations. Now, 2 years later, I have no idea. I’d like to say I am actively looking and dating but I haven’t. I don’t know how to start that – that seems like a lot of work: can’t I just be awesome and someone recognize that? Nope, doesn’t work that way.
So the follow up question is “why aren’t you dating, then?” I don’t know. Then I’d have to dig deep within myself and come up with some answer about how flawed I am to date and how many things are wrong with me – again, good intentions but I feel like roadkill.
I told myself I would date more but that hasn’t happened. I know my friends mean well, but I guess I can’t help this feeling of sadness when they ask it. At times, I just think, well what’s so good about being in a relationship? You have to be considerate of their “feelings” and such? I like my freedom and independence. Besides, jumping from one relationship into another is not a good pattern to get into. But of course they retort with “dating doesn’t necessarily mean relationship” and pause for my reaction as I gaze downward and say “yeah, I guess you’re right.”
I feel like as adults, you’ll be placed in these situations where you will be compared to what milestones you’re supposed to accomplish. Career, relationships, friends, engagements, wedding, baby shower – in no particular order. And you will be interrogated as to why you haven’t achieve these milestones yet. Is their something wrong with you? Tell us, then go to the corner while we stare, point and talk.
Of course that’s in my imagination but I do feel their pitying on me. It’s like a blanket – and I feel smothered.
I know this will be a conversation I will have until, I master this whole relationship thing and I get to be a judge on this crazy reality show of life.
But the one thing I remember is that for the most part, they want you to be happy. As one friend put it: “I want someone to love you the way you love people.” Dammit. That was good.
Although I have only been officially teaching for a month before I quit, it’s the end of the first marking period for most schools and I’ve made a list of 10 things all teachers should know (and no one ever tells them.)
10. Change is inevitable.
In addition to starting your new teaching position, there will be sudden and abrupt changes. Roll with the punches. Your class schedules may change, your subject content may change, your roster may change, hell, your room may change. School is starting again and you are just a piece of an ever changing puzzle. Just roll with the punches and truthfully, your first week of school will be classroom management. I highly doubt your administrators want you to teach content during that first week – or even 2 weeks. Plan for changes. Speaking of planning…
9. Planning is key.
.As educators, we all know this. it’s better to over plan than under plan. You don’t want finish your lesson 10 minutes early only to stand there watching your students go crazy because there’s nothing to do. They know if you under plan and they won’t let you get away with it. Adding to the fact that at any point, you may be observed and that won’t look good to your administrators. Try to plan for 2 days, therefore if you finish your lesson early, you can preview the next day’s lesson. Over plan your lesson with different small activities so you can trim some for time and still be on pace with your lessons. Always have a lesson plan ready to guide you or if your administrator requests a copy during an observation. Place time limits on every section of your lesson plan.
8. Steal with zeal.
It’s pretty intimidating to be the new teacher, older teachers and students may be quick to dismiss you and not take you seriously. You may feel like you have no idea what you’re doing. It’s always helpful to reach out for advice, questions and just to vent. It helps immensely. Share resources. Steal with zeal. All teachers were new at some point. find a teacher who is teaching your subject area and see if that teacher has any lesson plans or power points that you can pursue through and modify. Some teachers will let you use their lesson plans! Always seek out at least one teacher to befriend; they know what you’re going through and is probably flattered you reached out to them.
8. Don’t reinvent the wheel.
I truly mean it. It’s a phrase that you will hear over and over again. Similar to stealing with zeal, your first year is difficult as it is. There is no need to add more work if it’s unnecessary. See if the school has curricula they’ve been using, reach other to other teachers who has taught your subject area before. use their pacing guide, modify their lesson plans. Truth is, many teachers reuse their old lessons, they just modify it slightly every year. This applies to classroom management as well, see what procedures work best, what course outlines have been used, templates for parent letters, etc.
7. Don’t gossip – everybody talks.
Being a new teacher is like being a tourist in a unknown country. The natives will try and figure you out while selling you expensive souvenirs. Teachers will be helpful by telling you which of your colleagues to watch out for, but ultimately, it’s up to you to choose who to befriend. The school climate is like a political war zone; teachers are often at odds with other staff and they want you on their team. Thank them for their advice, but don’t say anything negative and don’t gossip – especially if it’s about the administration. Everything you say can and will be used against you. Use your professional judgement.
6. Students want to learn!
You don’t hear this often as many administrators, teachers and people may say classroom management is priority. It is. It is important to set guidelines on what you will or won’t accept and give students routines and consistency. But remember, students want to learn! They know why they’re in school, they know what’s expected of them and though at times, you will inevitably get the “why do we have to do this?” remarks, the fact of the matter is, they want to master concepts and excel in school. This is why we push various ways of teaching, in order to get them to master the content and standards, but also find various ways for them to access the materials. One time, a co-teacher of mine was giving a lecture on why school was important, etc., etc. and a student flat out said “can we learn already?” Albeit, it was rude of him, but it was heartwarming to hear that, from high school students (he wasn’t the only one to say it).
5. It’s not always going to be perfect.
I find most people in the teaching profession are perfectionists – myself included. We spend hours perfecting our lesson plans, down to the seconds sometimes. We become friends with google as we search endlessly for new techniques, new lessons, new activities and familiarize ourselves with the content. We create power points, worksheets, assessments, homework packets. We enter grades, make parent phone calls, grade papers, the work in never ending. But the most important part of our day is actually teaching: standing in front of the room and delivering content. It’s like a comedian doing stand up: find inspiration, write their jokes, research, edit and deliver the jokes during their set. But every day will not be perfect – which can cause us to self-criticize. It is important that we go easy on ourselves. Remember, the point of lesson planning is to ensure we deliver instruction in a timely manner. As long as the students grasp what you’re trying to teach them, it doesn’t matter if you didn’t the lesson didn’t go according to your lesson plan or that you get to complete your lesson in one day. Trim some activities or just adjust the next day’s plan to go over what you didn’t cover the previous day. As new teachers, mistakes are bound to happen and administrators and fellow teachers know that. Like we tell our students, as long as you put in effort and students are learning, that’s what counts.
This applies to classroom management. Not every day will be perfect. A lot of educators will tell you, you can always tell when it’s a full moon by the students’ behaviors. Some days, your best class will be the worst or vice versa – especially after long holiday breaks. It happens, don’t be critical of that. If you have your classroom management tools in place, you should be fine. Remind students of their expectations and don’t be afraid to go over them once in awhile. Rules aren’t something you create at the beginning of the year and forget. It’s something you revisit after a bad day or after holiday breaks – when the students seemingly forget everything you’ve taught them. Review and keep going.
4. Find your groove.
As new teachers, everyone is quick to impart their wisdom. What to do, what not to do, how to do, when to do, etc. It can become overwhelming. For me, I’ve always taught the way I wanted to. After all, it is your class. The mindset one must have is “how will this benefit my students?” That is most important. Do what you want. See what works best for your students. As long as you follow your school’s pacing guide, templates, etc. You are free to teach your way.
For example, I recently gave a lesson where my students had to identify the difference between living and non living things. They had to sort out the characteristics and such. Instead of using individual worksheets, I put the continuum of living and non living things and had them go up one by one with a post-it of their objects and place it along the continuum. They also had to explain to the class why they choose to sort their object that way. This worked well as they got to do things hands on, they had support and confidence from their peers, I can assess their understanding on the spot and it saved me from having to individually grade each worksheet. Do whatever feels right to you.
Teachers are perfectionists – and in that way, we are afraid to let anyone know were struggling or that we need help. Some times we just need to vent our frustrations. It’s important that you find a friend to confide in. Whether it be a fellow teacher at the school (choose wisely), or a friend or partner who doesn’t mind hearing you talk about your day. Corral a couple of teachers for happy hour Friday after work. Journaling is a useful tool as well. Journaling is a great way to keep track of your progress as a new teacher. Years from now, when you reread those journal entries, you’ll see the progress you made and the skills you’ve gained. Find an online support group for teachers: Facebook, Reddit are great resources. Outside of that, you can always work out those frustrations, cook, etc. Whatever puts your mind at ease. Something simple like a text during lunch or a walk around the block to get coffee, can help immensely. A healthy teacher, both physical and mental is a healthy classroom. Your tone, mood, etc. helps set the classroom culture. You feel burnt out? The students will definitely feel that too. Students pick up on things we aren’t aware of and we must strive to always put our best foot forward.
As stated, we have a lot on our plate: personal life, romantic life, professional life. It’s hard to juggle everything we have to do with the limited hours we have, so make a point to prioritize. Make a to do list and rank your tasks on what is most important to do that day, that week, that month. Google calendars or any calendars which come with reminders work best. The night before, I go over in my head, how my lessons will go, and what materials will be needed. I look at my school schedule to see what periods I have prep in to prepare. I also read my lesson plans for the next 2 days so I know what copies I need to make to have on hand. Making copies the day of the class is a HUGE risk. Copy machines can be broken or something may come up where you don’t have time to prepare. Grading and other tasks can be left to another day. Remember, always make time for yourself. Don’t let teaching control your life.
Make time for you.
It’s important that you don’t get overwhelmed. Often teachers feel a lot of pressure to make sure their students achieve that they neglect themselves, their families, their friends. Actually, you need your friends and family the most. Make time for yourself, your friend, your family. grading can wait – go on a date night with your love one. Have a night out. Get some wine and make it a Netflix/Hulu night. Take time to decompress where you don’t feel like your job is strangling you. Trust me, little things like that help you renew your spirit and commitment to teaching. Take one night where you don’t take any work home or do any work at home. Finish your work at school and leave work at work.
Trust me, teaching is not for the faint of heart. With all the administrative tasks, planning and teaching that goes on, and salary not reflective of the work we do, it’s easy for us to fall into a rut and feel discouraged, but think of all the students we’re helping. You don’t go into teaching if you’re not in it for the students. Though it may seem like a thankless task, imagine one student (or more) who will forever remember you as their favorite teacher. That is the biggest reward.
Let me know how your experience has been, I’d love to hear from you!
This morning, as I went on my morning coffee run (I have a coffee maker but it’s for decorating purposes), I started noticing a thing I was doing. I was actively comparing myself, to other people – strangers in the street. “Look at him, off to work…or school.” “Will my coffee lady think it’s strange I’m getting coffee at 10 in the morning instead of being at work?” “What will become of me?”
What’s interesting is how natural, how effortless these thoughts came. Obviously, I have reason to be thinking theses things; I just quit my job and my 10 years in the education field does not translate to very many other things; but still, it was so easy to compare myself to someone else.
It’s been said, that we, as humans compare each other. We compare ourselves. It’s human nature. Like when we judge someone based on first impressions. There’s no solid explanation, just accepted theories. But if we are to be our own individual, with our own path and our own unique talents, experiences, etc; why do we feel the need to compare ourselves?
Maybe we’re used to our parents comparing us when we were younger. I can’t tell you how many times, my mother compared me to my peers or herself: I wasn’t smart enough, skinny enough, ambitious enough, essentially good enough. But I now know better, and while she doesn’t compare me as much, I also don’t take stock in her comparisons.
So why do I do it to myself? I panic when I think friends my age are married, have children, in a relationship, successful models, bankers, teachers, artists, social workers, and the only thing I’ve accomplished is rearranging my closet (new shelf!) and getting coffee – already made for me. I’ve been told and sometimes agree that everyone is on their own timetable – we are all successful in our own right and our time will come, yada, yada, yada. It’s the unconscious sizing up of people and comparing them that bothers me.
I realize we do this primarily because we, as humans on earth, we want to have an impact. We want to make a difference. We want to be seen, heard and valued. However, we don’t have any tools that will tell us how to attain that. We don’t know how to get there. There is no WikiHow or DIYs on that (I Googled). So we compare ourselves in order to have a template to follow. Whether it be our parents at our age, or our peers. It can be a bad thing when we take it too seriously but I’ve resolved that I’ll just be more aware, draw inspiration when I can and not take it too seriously. Who knows, maybe someone’s comparing themselves to me. Good luck with that.
As a “Millennial”, there are certain assumptions about us. Like the previous generation, we are seen as lazy, spoiled, narcissists who are obsessed with technology and social media. The presence of social media has amplified these characteristics. I’m sure the generation before had the same labels placed upon them; it’s just a misunderstanding between two generations – one older and wiser and one younger and carefree.
I will say our generation, the generation of digital socialization, positivity, and independence; has forgotten how to love. Maybe it’s “the rules”, a 90’s guidebook on how to date and marry the “man of your dreams”. Maybe because our family values has grown accustomed to divorces and single parenthood. Perhaps we ourselves have become numb to cheating, bad relationships or the prospect of marriage seen from the media, culture, our friends and our family.
I can’t count the number of memes or pictures of a sad girl or guy with white lettering across the picture saying: “If you don’t text me first, we won’t talk” or something of that nature. Maybe it’s the rebellious side of us. A big “f” you to the rules by our previous generation, but let’s look at this from a different angle: if you don’t text first and they don’t text at all, where does that leave you? Will you ever speak again? The suspense.
You see, we all have these expectations, these notions of what true love is. We think we know what we want and society tells us to be have a certain way to get the “person of our dreams”, but they don’t tell us how. Am I supposed to ask the person out first? Am I to play coy and go along with everything that person is saying? What if that person’s not funny?
So we deal with things the way we think it’s supposed to be. Our generation is independent: women’s equality, men’s equality, LGBTQA equality. Freedom to express our true selves, but don’t let the other person know you’re think of them. Keep a poker face. Don’t let them see you sweat. At the same time, we use hashtags like #RelationshipGoals. We claim to hate mind games but we end up resorting to them.
We’ve stopped calling people on the phone. We text instead. We Facebook message, we’ll Instagram. Instead of striking up a decent conversation, we “follow” them. We “like” their pictures and events. We retweet their posts. We do everything and anything but actually talk to them. In a generation considered more outgoing than most, we’re shy when it comes to those things.
The confusion leads us to create these mixed messages; we settle on keeping relationships casual so we won’t get invested; won’t end up being hurt. Truth is, it creates more confusion and someone will end up hurt. I am a believer that friends with benefits (love the movie), will end up with one person feeling something more and ending up crushed when the other person doesn’t feel the same.
So where do we go from here? Will that person ever text the other person? Will they meet at Starbucks and pour out their love to one another while a guy on his laptop live tweets the events? I don’t know the solution. Hell, I’m guilty of doing some of these things myself!
I don’t proclaim to be a love guru. I have been single for about 2 years now since my first and only serious relationship ended. I’m secretive, a bit introverted at times, I hate the thought of “mingling” and meeting new people and I have trust issues. With all that baggage, I still believe in true love. I believe in soul mates. I love romantic comedies and while I will outwardly say something is “too cheesy”, inside I relish the happiness from seeing a love couple.
Call me old fashioned, but I like for a person who likes me to tell me they like me. I hate the whole cat and mouse game; the tit for tat. It doesn’t matter who texts first. I like a person who is confident and assertive in who they want. A person who takes risks and while it may not work out long term, they have no regrets. I’d like to feel like I matter. Not someone’s safe choice, but someone’s only choice. In return, I promise to stop playing games. Because if they’re invested and believe in us, why shouldn’t I?
A good friend of mine said “you can’t expect things from people that you don’t expect from yourself. So maybe it’s time I stop playing these games. Maybe I text first. Maybe I take that risk. But first, I need to meet this person who will change that for me. for now, I’ll just use another Millennial hashtag: #ForeverAlone.