By Any Comparison…

This morning, as I went on my morning coffee run (I have a coffee maker but it’s for decorating purposes), I started noticing a thing I was doing. I was actively comparing myself, to other people – strangers in the street. “Look at him, off to work…or school.” “Will my coffee lady think it’s strange I’m getting coffee at 10 in the morning instead of being at work?” “What will become of me?”

What’s interesting is how natural, how effortless these thoughts came. Obviously, I have reason to be thinking theses things; I just quit my job and my 10 years in the education field does not translate to very many other things; but still, it was so easy to compare myself to someone else.

It’s been said, that we, as humans compare each other. We compare ourselves. It’s human nature. Like when we judge someone based on first impressions. There’s no solid explanation, just accepted theories. But if we are to be our own individual, with our own path and our own unique talents, experiences, etc; why do we feel the need to compare ourselves?

Maybe we’re used to our parents comparing us when we were younger. I can’t tell you how many times, my mother compared me to my peers or herself: I wasn’t smart enough, skinny enough, ambitious enough, essentially good enough. But I now know better, and while she doesn’t compare me as much, I also don’t take stock in her comparisons.

Nod intently and find a point on the wall. Now.

So why do I do it to myself? I panic when I think friends my age are married, have children, in a relationship, successful models, bankers, teachers, artists,  social workers, and the only thing I’ve accomplished is rearranging my closet (new shelf!) and getting coffee – already made for me. I’ve been told and sometimes agree that everyone is on their own timetable – we are all successful in our own right and our time will come, yada, yada, yada. It’s the unconscious sizing up of people and comparing them that bothers me.

Emphasis on the plural form of cat.

I realize we do this primarily because we, as humans on earth, we want to have an impact. We want to make a difference. We want to be seen, heard and valued. However, we don’t have any tools that will tell us how to attain that. We don’t know how to get there. There is no WikiHow or DIYs on that (I Googled). So we compare ourselves in order to have a template to follow. Whether it be our parents at our age, or our peers. It can be a bad thing when we take it too seriously but I’ve resolved that I’ll just be more aware, draw inspiration when I can and not take it too seriously. Who knows, maybe someone’s comparing themselves to me. Good luck with that.

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A Commitment To Non-Commitment.

As a “Millennial”, there are certain assumptions about us. Like the previous generation, we are seen as lazy, spoiled, narcissists who are obsessed with technology and social media. The presence of social media has amplified these characteristics. I’m sure the generation before had the same labels placed upon them; it’s just a misunderstanding between two generations – one older and wiser and one younger and carefree.

I will say our generation, the generation of digital socialization, positivity, and independence; has forgotten how to love. Maybe it’s “the rules”, a 90’s guidebook on how to date and marry the “man of your dreams”. Maybe because our family values has grown accustomed to divorces and single parenthood. Perhaps we ourselves have become numb to cheating, bad relationships or the prospect of marriage seen from the media, culture, our friends and our family.

Case in point

I can’t count the number of memes or pictures of a sad girl or guy with white lettering across the picture saying: “If you don’t text me first, we won’t talk” or something of that nature. Maybe it’s the rebellious side of us. A big “f” you to the rules by our previous generation, but let’s look at this from a different angle: if you don’t text first and they don’t text at all, where does that leave you? Will you ever speak again? The suspense.

You see, we all have these expectations, these notions of what true love is. We think we know what we want and society tells us to be have a certain way to get the “person of our dreams”, but they don’t tell us how. Am I supposed to ask the person out first? Am I to play coy and go along with everything that person is saying? What if that person’s not funny?

So we deal with things the way we think it’s supposed to be. Our generation is independent: women’s equality, men’s equality, LGBTQA equality. Freedom to express our true selves, but don’t let the other person know you’re think of them. Keep a poker face. Don’t let them see you sweat. At the same time, we use hashtags like #RelationshipGoals. We claim to hate mind games but we end up resorting to them.

We’ve stopped calling people on the phone. We text instead. We Facebook message, we’ll Instagram. Instead of striking up a decent conversation, we “follow” them. We “like” their pictures and events. We retweet their posts. We do everything and anything but actually talk to them. In a generation considered more outgoing than most, we’re shy when it comes to those things.

I wished I was at this photoshoot. So avant garde.

The confusion leads us to create these mixed messages; we  settle on keeping relationships casual so we won’t get invested; won’t end up being hurt. Truth is, it creates more confusion and someone will end up hurt. I am a believer that friends with benefits (love the movie), will end up with one person feeling something more and ending up crushed when the other person doesn’t feel the same.

So where do we go from here? Will that person ever text the other person? Will they meet at Starbucks and pour out their love to one another while a guy on his laptop live tweets the events? I don’t know the solution. Hell, I’m guilty of doing some of these things myself!

I don’t proclaim to be a love guru. I have been single for about 2 years now since my first and only serious relationship ended. I’m secretive, a bit introverted at times, I hate the thought of “mingling” and meeting new people and I have trust issues. With all that baggage, I still believe in true love. I believe in soul mates. I love romantic comedies and while I will outwardly say something is “too cheesy”, inside I relish the happiness from seeing a love couple.

Call me old fashioned, but I like for a person who likes me to tell me they like me. I hate the whole cat and mouse game; the tit for tat. It doesn’t matter who texts first. I like a person who is confident and assertive in who they want. A person who takes risks and while it may not work out long term, they have no regrets. I’d like to feel like I matter. Not someone’s safe choice, but someone’s only choice. In return, I promise to stop playing games. Because if they’re invested and believe in us, why shouldn’t I?

A good friend of mine said “you can’t expect things from people that you don’t expect from yourself. So maybe it’s time I stop playing these games. Maybe I text first. Maybe I take that risk. But first, I need to meet this person who will change that for me. for now, I’ll just use another Millennial hashtag: #ForeverAlone.

Story of my life.